she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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