If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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