Me. At least after what I've been through.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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