we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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