...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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