she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
