Kareoke will never be a sober sport
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
