Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize