Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
