Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
