When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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