I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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