Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
