we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
