Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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