Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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