I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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