wakey wakey hands off snakey
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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