Cold hands, warm shart.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
