please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize