He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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