My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
don't judge my taste in strippers
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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