mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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