if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
