he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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