we have pet lesbian snakes
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
