The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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