i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
