i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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