Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize