I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
