Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
