I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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