Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
