Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
