never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
