i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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