I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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