if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
