I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We had to coat check the pizza.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
