it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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