He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
