I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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