4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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