Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
