Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize