People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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