i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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