Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
