listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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