Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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