there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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