Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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