I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
