god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
