it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
