you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
